It's funny how life gets in the way of things sometimes.
I can't believe it's been so long since I last typed a post on here, it's not like anything hasn't happened, but somehow or another I just haven't got on to it.
So I'm sure it won't come as too much of a surprise but some of the reason is that I haven't been very happy, as such I took the decision not to lament and whinge and whine - those who've read this blog for a while will no doubt have noticed I can do that all too easily when I want to! So yeh, things were a bit close to the edge again but and this is a big but, not over the edge. It's now comfortably over a year since I last took anti-depressants and more importantly, subtly; it's been comfortably over a year since I feel like I've needed them. To put it in context or the last ten years I've been off or on them for probably about 2 months of each year - that's mad, that's a really big thing.
The reason? A lot of it's down to acceptance, my life is to put it mildly, pretty cool - I work at a climbing centre which is great fun you meet as many new people as you want everybody there is nice and chatty and approachable; the kids coaching groups are so much fun and it's great to motivate these young people and see them absolutely loving what they're doing and getting better and better. Then there's my other life at the bookshop which had grown to be a burden there's no denying that, I worked with the aim of going into management and beyond for years before finally realising it use wasn't me, that I didn't enjoy it, I didn't want to separate myself from my workmates as much as was seemed necessary to succeed. Cutting to part-time was the best choice I ever made, it provides me with a financial base, paying my rent and food whilst allowing me the freedom and time to pursue all my other interests. Whilst at the moment my job there is secure, I can see in not too many years the book trade imploding and at that point I won't be so sad to draw a line under that point in my life, but for the moment it's good.
So what helped me come that level of acceptance? As much as I hate to say it, counselling. I fought long and hard counselling arguing that the antidepressants did what I needed them to do, that was fine. With hindsight that wasn't entirely the case, they certainly helped and if I ever go over the edge I'll take them again in a flash. But the counselling was critical in me levelling out - and to anyone reading this, who's only recently met me, believe it or not, this is me at my more level - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy CBT does seem to work, both consciously and sub, to help control problems with fears, distrust, sadness and a whole clusterfuck of other concerns. Which would perhaps lead you to believe i was fully behind it, but I'm not.
Why not be supportive of something that helps sort worries and concerns? Because like the me on anti-depressants, I'm not quite me or at least I don't let people see 'me'. During counselling and discussing the pluses and minuses of CBT my counsellor and I discussed it's evidence based value over more traditional psychotherapy and the like, it's great he said for something like the NHS which needs to churn through people, get them 'functioning' in society and off sick-pay. back to work etc ... but and his words not mine, "It's all rather like Brave New World" where people are programmed to be content, to be accepting of their situation.
I don't know there's a lot of benefits and the disadvantages sound nuts when you try and explain them, so it can't be so bad!